I was witness to perhaps the worst NFL game in recent history today (with the exception, perhaps, of anything involving this year's Miami Dolphins) - a riveting Week 12 matchup between the Saints and the Panthers. The final score was 31-6 in favor of New Orleans, but it honestly wasn't even that close. David Carr made the 27th-ranked Saints defense look like the fucking '85 Bears, our defensive line is still MIA, and our special teams continue to play as if they are, well, "special." More on this later, however, as it tends to depress me a little bit and there are more awesome things to discuss.Recently, we here at the Welker house have been watching a lot of Vh1 Classic. In case you've been living under a rock for the past few years, it's basically just an odd collection of old rock and roll music videos - think along the lines of what regular Vh1 was about ten years ago. It's great stuff to have on in the background, and provides the perfect mix between legitimately kick-ass rock performances and great things to make fun of. Either way, it's 100% entertaining. Along these lines, I now present you a mini-countdown of video's we've recently watched that blew us away with their amazing rockitude. To be completely arbitrary, here's a top 4:
4. Van Halen - Panama
Yeah, the Superbad song. This video definitely belongs in the "we're making fun of it" category, and I'm well aware that these guys weren't legitimately any good, but god damnit, they fucking rocked. Some of the awesome things in this video include half the band members being suspended on ridiculously cool wires (and still managing to play their instruments!), David Lee Roth being arrested in a towel, Michael Anthony playing a sweet Jack Daniel's bass, and Eddie Van Halen's perm. This may be the ultimate song to play air guitar to when absolutely hammered.
3. Deep Purple - Highway Star
Let's be honest, this song rocks regardless of context, but this particular version has a few extra things going for it. First of all, check out the production value of the video. This had to be one of the first music videos ever made, and it really shows. The band just sorta plays in front of a green screen, and some i-movie level psychadelic effects play in the background. The whole thing turns out like a high school band's audition tape, and that's precisely why it's great. Second of all, they absolutely butcher this song. Ian Gillan looks high as hell during this whole thing and even forgets some of the lyrics ("Oooh like Steve McQueen... Mickey Mouse and all that uhhhWOOO"). Richie Blackmore also bloody destroys a guitar solo while wearing a Pilgrim suit, so it has that going for it.
2. Focus - Hocus Pocus
Ah, the humble beginnings of prog rock. There are no actual lyrics to this song as far as I can tell, but that doesn't prevent it from being relentless as hell. Thijs van Leer (yes, I had to look up how to spell that), plays organ, flute, whistles, and yodels, and somehow makes it look cool. All the while, the band is playing impossibly fast in the background, and it occasionally comes together in spastic bursts of awesomeness. I have no idea what kind of drugs these guys were on, but dare I say it might even put Keith Richards to shame.
1. Ten Years After - I'm Going Home
This is one of my favorite rock performances of all time, and if you watch the video you'll see why. I'll let the video speak for itself.
All this rocking had gone to my head for a bit, so it was perfect timing when I got into Charlotte and my buddy Geoff called me to play Rock Band, which is destined to become the next fad among college kids. It's from the same people who made Guitar Hero I and II, and is very similar in theory to these games except that it also implements a full drum set, vocals, and bass. Needless to say it's amazing, and I somehow played for about 6 hours straight. I discovered that I apparently have no pitch whatsoever (I couldn't do the vocal parts worth a hoot), and it is very hard to coordinate the kick-pedal on the drum set with whatever the hell your arms are doing. After a while you start to get used to it, but there's a bit of a learning curve. It's a great game though, and I can only hope that someone around here ponies up some cash for it (hint hint!).
Which brings me back to how much the Panthers suck. I don't really want to dwell on it, because as I said it's only going to make me angry. A few quick points though:
-It was cold, rainy, and the Panthers were getting demoralized. I can think of only a handful of times I've ever left a game early under any circumstances, but this was one of them. It's pretty hard to fathom a team that was at one point 4-3 and in first place in the division being this bad, but they've apparently completely rolled over. It's a sad thing to watch, and this organization needs some new blood badly. Don't ask me where to start, but drastic things need to happen.
-The loudest the fans got all day was a "We Want Moore" chant. Folks, if it's come to the point where we're cheering for an undrafted rookie QB from Oregon State to come in the game to bring us back, things are pretty bad. That said, it really can't be any worse than David Carr, who is legitimately perhaps the worst NFL quarterback I've ever seen. He regresses every week.
-Richard Marshall and Jon Beason continue to be the stars of this defense. Coincidentally, they're both under 25 years old. If we don't sign them to monster extensions at the first possible opportunity, I've lost all faith in this front office.
-I hate Chris Gamble as much as the next guy, but my god his replacement today (someone named Patrick Dendy) was horrible. It's a shame he's awful, because his name has such fantastic potential for football puns, which happen to be one of my favorite pasttimes.
-You have to give John Fox some credit - he actually tried to get Steve Smith the ball early, and had some imaginative playcalls thrown in there. It's a shame our team just can't execute worth a hoot.
-If we ever go with the empty backfield again when David Carr is in the game, I'm going postal.
That's it for now folks. Me and Russell's new favorite band nobody's ever heard of, J-Roddy Walston and the Business, are playing on Thursday over in Raleigh. If you can make it, come join. They'll rock your face off.
-NoNo
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